Where am I

Ever have one of those moments where you are aching to find a little piece of you still lingering in the mangled chaos of the day to day? I find myself asking, what is left of me exactly? And how do we run that through Luke 9:23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me  and Galatians 5:24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires and Mark 8:35 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it, what about John 12:24, Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.

As the day of Thanksgiving draws near, how do we process these feelings of wearing ourselves out and not taking enough time for ourselves when scripture tells us that we should die to selves? How do we get from weak and hungry to alive and full?

Sometimes I feel restless, tired of my own skin. My wheels spin endlessly, accomplishing nothing, worn down to the bones and  beyond any hope that it can change.

The only thing that keeps me pressing forward is asking myself what I deserve. What do I deserve? What have I done in this life that God could not have done? What value do I bring? The answer to all is nothing- big fat zero. But I long to bring something of value, to do something, create something, fulfill some extravagant plan. The truth is I don't have to. People make think I have to or I may even believe I have to bring value but I don't! I can sit here and eat nachos and paint my toes 14 times tonight and that is above and beyond what I am expected to do. If I keep coming back to no expectations, then all else is joy. Everything I do is not really because I need to, it is because I want to. I want to and that is what puts the me back in to this. My value is just because God says so.




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Quiet Moments

It rarely comes- the quiet, that is. God's voice comes in the stillness, in the wee hours of the night and in the moments when sleep fails to find me.Those times spent talking to God about what matters most are not wasted, the secret parts of the soul that we dare to let anyone see. Funny how we mask the things that we don't think other people will accept. But isn't that the opposite of what God wants? Aren't we supposed to be transparent before the Father? Mercy never fails to find us in the moments we are faithful to lay our hurt at His feet. And sometimes the God of the universe is so kind, so loving to pause just a moment for us. If nothing more than a whisper, he speaks. He speaks.

The hard days

Lord, what do I have? My hands are empty but my heart is full. The pain of life's burdens can't be denied. With all the faith in the world, sometimes there is still a 'what if' that dangles by a thread in the back of my mind. The strong cannot be strong forever. This is why I need your mercy and your grace. I need your strength, your love, and your renewing Spirit.

I need a calmness, some sort of stillness in my life. A place where I can place my tears, at your feet, Father. Help me find serenity in your arms and rest in your presence. Peace is my heart's longing in this place.

Discouraged

What do you do when your body and heart are so tired that there is no rest? Where do you begin? All the prayers and the God-words seem to hang like a mist over head, so not to penetrate the heavens. Sometimes the heart weighs heavy, burdened down by breathing...surviving, not thriving, but existing. How is it not despairing? Seems there is no comfort to find, nothing to delight in.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8
Clinging to His words when you feel they have no weight in your moment. Pray for God's miracles to rain down on your life, pouring, cleansing, refreshing. Move or move me.

There will be days like this

What a week in this life! I have to say that I got the biggest scare I have had, maybe ever today. I had to take Naava to the pediatrician because she has been sick for a week and had a headache yesterday, just really not herself. Those words the doctor said, in slow motion were "I think we need to schedule a CT scan to make sure there are no neurological concerns, this will require sedation." A giant lump came out of nowhere and settled in my throat with a thud and just stayed there for a while. This terrifies me. This is real, like with sedation, and fasting. I am not handling this well.This is my 20-month old baby girl!

Oh Father in Heaven, give me the strength and courage to really trust You! I am just one person and some days I feel like you have given me far more than I can ever make it through. Help me remember to live in the joy of now and not the fear of what may or may not come. I know in my mind that the fear and worry are usually the worst part. Things are rarely ever as awful as we make them in our imagination.

As I hold my precious little girl, I am just going squeeze her a little tighter than usual, love her even more, and smile at her every chance I can. I can do this. I know that You have this! I know she is going to be dancing and singing again real soon.




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Not all is Sunshine and Rainbows

Each day I open my eyes, optimism is on the horizon. Aware of the freshness of a new day, I am hopeful for the good. But whoever received rainbows without a drop of rain? We pray for the sunshine.

Today was a hard day. A rainy day.

We all have a fear or two in our lives. For me, it is being an uncaring or bad mother, for others, it may be loss of control, or fear of being alone etc.. A lot of these fears come from our childhood, from some way that this corrupted world has broken us. It is a real test of what we are going to believe when someone comes along and challenges us with that which we fear. Even when we know we have worked desperately to make sure that the fear does not become a reality, the truth is that we are not people who do not fail. Even the smallest detail can slip by, but be careful not to let it fall into the hands of the enemy. The enemy seeks to suck the life out of us, our faith, and our identity in Christ. He will use anything and anyone he can. He will succeed if we let him.

I believe we do well for ourselves when we look over our past so that we can learn how to move forward, not to dwell on any part of it, but to grow in wisdom and truth. We should only look back to see what it is that makes us fear. What "thing" can set us off like nothing else?  Whatever we lived, or witnessed as a child that shaped us and changed our perspective of how we see ourselves and others, could be the very thing we need to pray for God to release us from.

I don't always like the rain in my life but I have to thank God for using it to grow me. I have to thank Him for showing my reflection in those muddy, rainy moments. They remind me that I am not who anyone says I am. I am His beloved daughter.

Who else is there to hold me at the end of the day. Who can I trust to keep me together when the world falls to pieces and I come undone? Then I hear Him whisper softly..." I called  you, and I qualified you to do that which you are doing. I gave you your name."

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Everything Changes

I must admit she is so beautiful.

The light of my life

As I look back over the last year, I see how the two that I adore have grown...and changed. Wasn't it just last month that I placed them in their infant carrier, tiny and helpless? A smile works it's way across my face, those times are richly missed. But these times are good too. Both children make me laugh. There is joy. And love. Lot's of love. 

I pray for the Father's grace in helping me welcome the changes to come. He knows I do not handle that sort of thing well but I trust Him. He knows my heart and I believe He will lead me patiently, and gently through it all, and whisper encouragement along the way.

We are off to a solid start this year. Isaiah and Naava went to preschool today and I think they had a good day. We tried to go outside and slide a bit but it was 30 degrees!  There were a few frozen photos captured before we ran back inside for warmth.

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A Mother's Love, A Savior's gift

In my early twenties, I was uncertain whether I wanted children. I had big plans for me; thinking I would have some reputable career in a big city, you know, really change things. I thought a family may slow things down. Oh how the vision we cling to for ourselves unravels before the Throne.

Thankfully, for we who are called by the Lord, where we begin and where we end are as far as the East is from the West. God ordains this journey. After all, when we celebrate a new life in Christ, the end is only the beginning.The Creator of the universe truly does make all things new.

I am convinced that parenting is God's way of plucking away the little pieces of "me" that get in the way of allowing His plan to be fulfilled. Refining me has made me His new creation, His masterpiece. Having been a woman who knew exactly what she wanted, I was taken aback to find that my children are the one thing I never knew I always wanted. God knew.

As women, we are complex. Our tears flow when we are happy, prayerful, saddened, and frustrated. We laugh when we are full of joy, sing when we worship our Lord, and smile even when our hearts are broken. Created in God's image, we have a capacity for love that only mothers understand. We were given undeserved, miraculous ability to bring forth life, just as our Creator gives life. Handmade by God, a woman’s design reveals a beautiful story. The pages of this life have been written by Him, and our calling is to teach our children the grandeur of His presence. God created women to love with a love like His own. Selfless. He knows His daughters so intimately, He knew that granting us children would awaken something dead within us. Something powerful, something indelible.

In making us mothers, God would not only breathe life into our child but also breathe life into our souls. As a mom, your eyes are opened and so your heart is awakened to a fierce, reckless love, a love that never dies. There will be moments when our love may fail but His hand gently leads us still, and our Father's love never fails.



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Making Memories

Oh, what struggles this life has. But wait, what joys it has also.
I have come to realize, through my dad's battle with Alzheimer's Disease, that memories are so very fragile. They are the source of proof that our existence has mattered on this Earth. Without them we are held captive by a moment of nothingness, darkness, and sadness. The people we know who hold a dear place in our hearts begin to fade away as we forget. Don't forget. Hold on to them, keep photos, be sentimental, cherish keepsakes, make videos, and be intentional about creating an unforgettable atmosphere that gives birth to laughter. Live.

We never get a second chance to live any moment. Absorb it, breathe it, cherish it. One chance.

We spend our lives wishing our time away. We cannot wait for the next best thing, for things to "get better" or the next stage in life. What if the very best of our lives is right this second? Talk about unhappiness; reflecting on your life and seeing all the joy you have missed... all the time you could have rejoiced but instead you felt self-pity. Maybe you could have won a small victory but instead you chose defeat. When you look into your horizon, I pray there are no regrets. Don't let anything steal your joy. Be purposeful, be intentional, be courageous. Love fearlessly.

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