Where am I

Ever have one of those moments where you are aching to find a little piece of you still lingering in the mangled chaos of the day to day? I find myself asking, what is left of me exactly? And how do we run that through Luke 9:23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me  and Galatians 5:24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires and Mark 8:35 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it, what about John 12:24, Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.

As the day of Thanksgiving draws near, how do we process these feelings of wearing ourselves out and not taking enough time for ourselves when scripture tells us that we should die to selves? How do we get from weak and hungry to alive and full?

Sometimes I feel restless, tired of my own skin. My wheels spin endlessly, accomplishing nothing, worn down to the bones and  beyond any hope that it can change.

The only thing that keeps me pressing forward is asking myself what I deserve. What do I deserve? What have I done in this life that God could not have done? What value do I bring? The answer to all is nothing- big fat zero. But I long to bring something of value, to do something, create something, fulfill some extravagant plan. The truth is I don't have to. People make think I have to or I may even believe I have to bring value but I don't! I can sit here and eat nachos and paint my toes 14 times tonight and that is above and beyond what I am expected to do. If I keep coming back to no expectations, then all else is joy. Everything I do is not really because I need to, it is because I want to. I want to and that is what puts the me back in to this. My value is just because God says so.




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