Satan is a destroyer

Sigh... As I sit here and write this....astonished at 3:00 am, I am feeling so many things, none of which are good or pleasant. Just got a phone call from my husband that he is leaving Greenville after putting in a 17 plus hour day and still has a two-hour drive back. My stomach aches at this. It is kind of like that feeling you got as a child, it began when you did something wrong....chest starts pounding and then swells into a blob that keeps expanding,sinking into your stomach and settling with a silent thud, so heavy you are certain the entire world can see the chains around your neck and crushing you all the way to the floor. Lord, please pick me back up again.

I know that he can't go on like this, what human could? In a company that just won't listen but a job that is so needed. I know that once before he had asked to come in late when he worked like this only to hear "We don't do flex time." That's odd, you did "flex time" when he was hired. You could have promised the entire world just to get a spot filled...

Our family needs so desperately for something good to happen. Getting pounded back to back with one bad event after another is just too much. I am crying out and praying fervently to our Father in heaven to please make a change somehow, to please secure Joshua's job, continue our home building process, and please do not let us lose this house. Lord, you know how badly our family needs this. Please do not let the enemy gain one smile from this.

I hope this lump in my throat settles soon.

A little lesson learned

Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

I spent most of my life hiding behind ideals and perfectionism. I thought (and still do at times) that I must have the ideal life for anyone including God to love me...always afraid of sharing anything that I struggled with. Since I have come closer to God, I find that transparency is the only way we show that we truly are the body of Christ. Women especially, feel that we must always "keep it together" and pretend our lives are perfect. There is such pressure on us to keep our families pristine, be the greatest mother and wife, to look beautiful, to have the cleanest house, to be the gourmet cook etc. This can be quite maddening in the least, I know too well. If we fall short in one of these areas, we fear that the religious police are going to flag us down and beat us to death with a righteous (or self-righteous) hammer. The sad part is, we sometimes have that view of God, we think he is the religious police and that is just not the case! Thank God!  And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. Romans 8:38

How can we lift one another up and pray for one another if we don't share with fellow believers what our struggles are. Should we live in fear, isolation, and despair? No! The enemy tells us lies as such. Truth is,we should be walking in faith; it sits in opposition to fear. In doing this, we can be shining examples to others who are living low in spirit, needing comfort and hope. Our Father in heaven promises us in scripture that He will be there for us without any exceptions. Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:28

I know it is not easy to lay our pride aside and share with others and also not easy to lay down burdens before God. If you are like me, you often take it back somehow, it weighs me down. Praying for Him to help us be more open, more humble, and less prideful is what He truly wants from us. After all, our hearts belong to Him!

Something in me feels like there is more to life, more than this. I am not yet able to discern if my feeling of inadequacy is God's way of keeping me humble in my dissatisfaction or if it is a prophecy of my life still to come. I am uncertain where He will lead me but following, sometimes begrudgingly every step of the way. There is so much ME in that.....

The back story

Isaiah 61

 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,
 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,  
     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor. 

These words touched me deeply. I was in school at a Bible College here in Columbia after being led into, at the time, what I felt was a profession in counseling. I thought I would finish in the given four years, I truly did. God had other plans. During that time, these words defined my life and it was these words that gave me clear confirmation that counseling was my calling. I was here to help others and opportunities were constantly laid before me. I had volunteered at a pregnancy crisis center speaking to young women about their unwanted pregnancies and sharing the gospel with them. It was so rich in rewards, it moved me, and I was passionate about this. Everything in my life, both good and bad, had been so intricately woven into my experiences that I knew and still know that I have gifting in encouragement. I miss it all. Desperately.

I have seen people broken, so badly, that I have been moved to sadness but overpowered by hope. This kept me going.

I found out that I was pregnant and expecting our first child in October of 2009. I honestly wasn't ready, not at 29, not ever. I had a career ahead of me, a bright future, God had something more. Somehow I knew that God wanted me to name the child Isaiah. In my gut I knew it was a boy and nothing in me would accept otherwise. I was certain. I prayed and reasoned if God just gave me a son, I would do everything in my power to give this boy to Him and that he would be called Isaiah which means God is salvation. In July of 2010 Isaiah was born and changed my life. To this day he is the one thing I never knew I always wanted. I had never experienced such overwhelming, intense emotions. I was enthralled, captivated, and there was love. To this day, when he smiles, my whole world stands still. I know God's promises for him, without a doubt, are to make him an oak of righteousness. He will be a man of faith and make a difference.

Listening is best

Finally, a quiet ending to a long and exerting day. It is safe to say I learned at least two things today.... (1) anger can ruin your life, and (2) there are no potty training pants that actually hold water (or not water if you catch my drift).

James 1:19-20
This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

Today was emotionally trying if nothing else. In case I forgot to mention it, we are attempting to potty train my two-year-old son. It is not going well. I do give my very best effort under the sun to
refrain from being upset with him and pretend it isn't a huge deal when runs and hides from me. He does this every single time it is changing time be it a training diaper, regular diaper, or training pants. He loves to run to this blue wing-back chair in my living room and takes a nose dive underneath just peaking up at me. It is his favorite game however clueless is he, I hate it. I take that back, by now, he ought to have several clues. This kid is like super toddler on steroids, King Pull-Up ok? He does not take orders, he is Big Chief and center of the universe in his world. Point is, when one thing makes you angry, doesn't it just seem like everything makes you angry? I have been having a little talk with Jesus pretty much daily about helping me with patience and changing my heart in dealing with these angry moments. Now I just hope I can shut up and listen. If we could listen more and talk less, we would all do well. I pray about these things because I do not want my children's memories of me to be angry/not so happy times outweighing the good times. Lord knows that my babies are more precious than anything to me but it is amazing how quickly you can lose sight of that when you are being tested.  I am telling all, of course. Come on,  you have thought it. I am just honest about it.

Thankfully, God changes our hearts and we don't have to. We can't. We just have to let him do the changing. Praise God, He gives us a crown of beauty instead of ashes. But that is a whole new day, more on that tomorrow.

Good night

A special day for Naava

Reflecting today on a lot of things after Naava's dedication. She looked so beautiful in her little white dress, pearls, and white flower in her hair.  Her little baby toes played peek-a-boo out from under the edge of that little satin dress. Her little cross dangles from her wrist, a symbol of what we hope to show her throughout her life. Naava is so very precious to us and we can only pray that we will be good examples of God's love.  It is difficult to draw a line between life happening ( chores, business etc) and our babies lives happening. I forget too often how quickly our time together passes, they grow, and they change. My number one concern is making a positive impact and creating lasting memories with them. My heart overflows when their precious smiles light up from the simplest things. If I as a mommy can make them smile by just playing, singing, and dancing-why not? If that is all it takes to keep that bond with my babies, why shouldn't I do it all the time? It is such a blessing that God chose me to be their mommy. Now, Lord, just help me slow down please. Be my Light.

Promises to love better

It's been too long since I have written, I do regret not writing every day. Nothing frees the heart and mind like bearing your soul to others. I believe in being real.... all the time. On my mind today, there has been regret and shame. I have not spent as much time with the ones I love as I should have. I am especially speaking about my dad and my son. Earlier today I was afraid I may lose my dad and I realize how much I have missed of his old self before the diagnosis of dementia. I miss the fishing, the boxing, the jokes. I miss it all and my chest sinks into my stomach to see this disease steal his joy. He was such a strong man but that strength has grown into a depression that only lifts in certain moments. Today, thankfully was one of those moments. He was especially happy to see Isaiah after I had heard he was not doing well. I dropped everything and went to see him. I want to spend more time helping him. It is hard with two children but I am trusting God. Isaiah has been my world for the past two years so my realization that I had not been there like I should as a daughter further burdened my heart that I may not have been the mother I long to be either. I want to love deeper, to be more selfless, to brighten more days. I need strength and empowerment from my Lord Jesus to help me through all these dark times. I need Him more than anything to keep me strong and focused. I need Him to show me how to love. When I look at my precious boy and now my little girl I deeply desire to be an example of Christ's love. I want them to know I delight in them much like the way He delights in me. Sometimes I don't always believe He does or feel it but I want to. My heart longs to enjoy every moment with my babies and cast away all frustrations, tasks, and lies that I tell myself. These precious ones are my calling, my blessings, my home.