It's been too long since I have written, I do regret not writing every day. Nothing frees the heart and mind like bearing your soul to others. I believe in being real.... all the time. On my mind today, there has been regret and shame. I have not spent as much time with the ones I love as I should have. I am especially speaking about my dad and my son. Earlier today I was afraid I may lose my dad and I realize how much I have missed of his old self before the diagnosis of dementia. I miss the fishing, the boxing, the jokes. I miss it all and my chest sinks into my stomach to see this disease steal his joy. He was such a strong man but that strength has grown into a depression that only lifts in certain moments. Today, thankfully was one of those moments. He was especially happy to see Isaiah after I had heard he was not doing well. I dropped everything and went to see him. I want to spend more time helping him. It is hard with two children but I am trusting God. Isaiah has been my world for the past two years so my realization that I had not been there like I should as a daughter further burdened my heart that I may not have been the mother I long to be either. I want to love deeper, to be more selfless, to brighten more days. I need strength and empowerment from my Lord Jesus to help me through all these dark times. I need Him more than anything to keep me strong and focused. I need Him to show me how to love. When I look at my precious boy and now my little girl I deeply desire to be an example of Christ's love. I want them to know I delight in them much like the way He delights in me. Sometimes I don't always believe He does or feel it but I want to. My heart longs to enjoy every moment with my babies and cast away all frustrations, tasks, and lies that I tell myself. These precious ones are my calling, my blessings, my home.
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